Sam Wise

As Pride Month winds down, I wanted to share some love spells for a subculture-within-a-subculture that often gets overlooked: queer polyamorous people. 

Polyamory (sometimes called Ethical Non-Monogamy – as opposed to unethical non-monogamy, a.k.a. cheating) is an umbrella term that covers many types of relationships in which everyone involved knows that their partner is seeing other people and is okay with that. Polyamory is more common than many people realize: about 5% of all adults are currently in non-monogamous relationships and about 20% have tried some form of polyamory in the past.

Not all polyamorous folks are queer, but polyamorous people are more likely to identify as queer, and poly folks have always been an important part of the LGBTQ+ community. 

Despite increasing awareness and acceptance around polyamory, it can be hard to find resources for polyamorous love spells. Most of the love spells you can find online or in books are designed for monogamous people. While some of these spells can be adapted for polyamorous love, here are a few designed specifically for poly folks. 

Spell for a Loving, Healthy Polycule

A polycule is a group of people who are linked by romantic relationships – it consists of all members of a polyamorous group and all of their partners. It’s sort of like the poly alternative to saying that two people are a “couple.” 

Polycules can take lots of different shapes. For example, a three-person polycule might be a triad (three people who are all romantically involved with each other, sometimes called a throuple), or it might be a hinge (Person A is dating both Person B and Person C, but Person B and Person C are not dating). A five person polycule may all be dating each other, or it might be a combination of couples, triads, and/or hinges. Just because someone is in your polycule does not mean you are actively dating and/or having sex with them.

This spell is designed primarily to strengthen existing polycules, but it could be adjusted to help a single person attract a polycule.

You will need:

• One candle to represent each member of your polycule (These can be figure candles that match each person’s gender identity, colored and/or scented candles that represent their personalities, or white candles with each person’s name carved into one. If you are single and trying to attract a polycule, simply use one plain white or red candle.)
• Lavender essential oil
• Juice from a slice of orange 
• Rose petals 

To perform the spell:

• Dress each candle with the lavender oil. As you rub the oil into the candle, say something like, “May we communicate clearly and speak true. May your polycule bring peace and comfort to you.”
• Dress each candle with a few drops of orange juice. As you do, say something like, “May our love bring you joy and bliss. I seal this blessing with a kiss.” Kiss the candle before setting it down in your workspace.
• Sprinkle rose petals around the candles to form a circle, then sprinkle rose petals in the spaces in between the candles. Once there are no more noticeable empty spaces, say something like, “Our love surrounds us and connects us. Our love supports us and uplifts us. Our relationship is perfect for us. Our polycule is strengthened thus.”
• Light the candles and, as they burn, visualize your polycule feeling happy, loved, and supported. Let the candles burn down completely.

Spell to Ease Relationship Transitions

One of the hallmarks of polyamory is less clearly defined expectations for relationship milestones. In her book The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory, Dedeker Winston explains this with the “relationship escalator.” Our society treats romantic relationships (which are assumed to be monogamous) like an escalator, with couples moving up into increasing levels of commitment: first dating, then sexual intimacy, then moving in together, then marriage and/or shared finances, then having children. In polyamorous relationships, each person is free to choose how far up they want to go on the escaltor – in other words, the level of commitment they are comfortable with.

This freedom of movement means that, sometimes, people change their minds. Dating more people does mean more potential for breakups, but it also means changes in the level of commitment each partner is willing and able to give. You may have a more casual relationship with someone but decide you’re ready to share a home with them – but on the flip side, a partner you have lived with and paid bills with for years may decide that they need their own space and want to go back to a more casual level of commitment.

This spell is designed to ease all of the transitions that may occur within polyamorous relationships, from breakups to moving in together to deciding to see less of each other.

You will need:

• A piece of paper
• A pen or marker
• Lavender essential oil OR eucalyptus essential oil
• A bowl of water (this can be rosewater, full moon water, or just tap water)

To perform the spell:

• Write out a description of the transition you are going through in your relationship(s), including the old state of the relationship and the change being made to your arrangement. Be sure to include a description of your feelings about the transition, both positive and negative.
• Anoint the paper with the essential oil. Say something like, “May old energy be released. May our love give us strength and peace.”
• Submerge the paper in the bowl of water. As you hold it under the water, visualize yourself and your partner(s) surrounded by soothing, pale blue energy.
• When you feel totally calm and supported, end the spell.

Spell for Friendship Between Metamours

Metamours are people who are dating the same person but are not dating each other. To put it another way, your metamours are your partners’ other partners. These are people you are not romantically or sexually involved with, but are still connected with by your shared love for your mutual partner(s) – which makes them part of your polycule. 

While some people choose not to get to know their metamours, this spell is designed for people who want to have a connection with the other people their partner loves. While you might never be best friends, this spell creates an atmosphere of warmth and cooperation that can help keep things friendly.

You will need:

• 3+ pieces of string, yarn, or cord in different colors – one for you, one for your partner, and one for each of your metamours (Choose colors that represent each person’s personality to you)
• Charms or beads that represent friendship and security to you (You can make your own with airdrying clay, or by writing your wishes on a slip of paper, folding it up, and then punching a hole through it so you can string it)

To perform the spell:

• Tie the pieces of string together, with the string representing your partner in the middle and the others on either side. Say something like, “Family chosen, family found. By our shared love of [partner’s name] we are bound.”
• Begin to braid the strings together.
• Add your beads or charms. With each new bead/charm, repeat your incantation. 
• When you are almost out of string, tie it off. Keep the braid in a safe place or give it to your metamour as a gift.

Spell to Heal Loneliness and Feelings of Being Left Out

We all feel lonely sometimes, and unfortunately loneliness, jealousy, and insecurity don’t go away with the addition of multiple romantic partners. No matter how many people you’re seeing, there will probably be times when all your partners are busy and you have to spend time alone. This can be especially rough if your partners are all on dates with other people, leaving you as the only one without romantic plans for the evening.

This spell is designed to help ease gross feelings at times when you feel like the odd one out. It uses bitter herbs to heal bitter emotions with a soothing act of self-care. Please note that this is not a substitute for talking to your partner(s) about your feelings. Also note that there’s a big difference between occasional lonely nights and legitimate neglect or emotional abuse. If you consistently feel ignored or shut out by your partner, that is a much more serious issue.

Note: This spell is partially adapted from the “Bitter Healing Bath” from Water Magic by Lilith Dorsey.

You will need: 

• ¼ cup fresh basil (or 1 TBSP dried)
• ¼ cup fresh sage leaves (or 1 TBSP dried)
• ¼ cup garlic skin or, if you have them, garlic greens (This will not make your bath smell garlicky. If you don’t have garlic skins or greens, you can substitute 1-2 garlic cloves, but this WILL give your bath a slight garlic smell.)
• ¼ cup fresh mint leaves (or 1 TBSP dried)
• 6 cups water
• A sweet treat, floral tea, or glass of wine or fruit juice
• (optional) an essential oil with a smell you like and a handful of salt or epsom salt

To perform the spell:

• Add the basil, sage, garlic, and mint to a pot on the stove and pour the water over them. As you add each herb, ask it to heal your heart and relieve you of bitter emotions.
• Bring the pot to a boil. Turn the heat down and let simmer for 20-30 minutes to create a potent herbal infusion.
• While the herbs are simmering, run a bath.
• After the simmer time is up, add the infusion to your bath water. Make sure to strain out the herbs! It should have a very earthy, herbal, almost grassy smell.
• If you really can’t stand the smell, add an essential oil for scent. You can do this by mixing a few drops into salt or epsom salt and adding it to the tub. (Never add undiluted essential oil to your bath!)
• As you soak in the bath, feel the loneliness, jealousy, and other negative feelings leaving your body.
• After you get out of the bath, enjoy your sweet treat as a reminder to be kind to yourself.
• Be sure to communicate your feelings with your partners if this loneliness is a recurring problem! 

Spell to Attract a Queerplatonic Partner

A queerplatonic relationship (QPR) is a relationship that bends society’s rules for telling apart romantic relationships from non-romantic relationships. QPRs are not romantic in nature or do not fully fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship. However, these relationships are more than just friendships and they go beyond what is considered normal between friends. For example, two people in a QPR might live together, have shared finances, and rely on each other for emotional support, all without romance. These relationships are often (but not always!) nonsexual in nature. 

Queerplatonic relationships are an important part of queer culture that often gets overlooked. Aromantic and aroace people may find that a QPR fulfills their desire for emotional connection without the expectation of romance and sex. However, you don’t have to be aromantic, asexual, or even queer to be in a QPR. Some people just genuinely would rather spend their life with a good friend than with a lover, regardless of how they identify. 

One person may have more than one queerplatonic partner, and one or all of the people in a queerplatonic relationship may also date people outside the QPR, which is where these relationships can overlap with polyamory.

This spell is designed to help you attract the right queerplatonic partner for you. Like all love spells, this works best when you don’t have a specific person in mind and instead remain open to the possibilities. 

You will need:

• A written description of the type of queerplatonic relationship you want to attract, including level of commitment, level of intimacy, any hard boundaries, etc.
• A pink candle
• Rosewater or rose essence
• Dandelion root
• Dried catnip

To perform the spell:

• Dress the candle with your rosewater/rose essence, then sprinkle it with your herbs. Place it on top of the description of your desired relationship.
• As you light your candle, say something like, “Our love transcends labels and rules. To my queerplatonic partner I will be true.”
• As the candle burns, hold your desired partner and relationship in your mind’s eye.
• Let the candle burn down completely before ending the spell.